I Need to Feel... (in progress) by Brittany Ferguson (me) (great book club books .txt) 📕

mathematics (aka algebra). He saw her there too and coincidently she was in that class too. Tyler hated algebra, he was never good at it, but man she was a genius. She knew exactly what was going on. Tyler needed help, but he didn’t want to annoy her with a stupid question.
Class was over and he didn’t see her again till lunch. He saw her laughing and smiling with her friends. They were listening to music blasting it in the courtyard. The song “You Only Live Once” came on by Suicide Silence, Tyler’s favorite band. He moved a little closer to them, wanted to hear it louder. Finally he was right next to her, the beautiful pink haired girl.
“oh hi!’ she said shocked to see him there. “guys this is Tyler. He’s new here. Where are you from?” she asked him.
“small ass town Nebraska.” He replied.
“big change then huh?” asked one of the girl with the pink hair’s friends. “I’m Kyley.”
“I’m janessa.”
“I’m Matt.”
“and I’m Allison.” Said the girl with the pink hair. What a pretty name, thought Tyler. She was so enthusiastic and hyper all the time, it was so adorable.
“we’re all in band, we’re the Fire In The Hearts. I’m the drummer.” Said Kyley. “Allison is lead guitarist and backup vocals, Janessa is bad guitar and matt is our sing screamer.”
“so a metal band?” asked Tyler.
“yeah,” said Allison, “pretty hardcore, huh?”
“haha yeah.” That was the first time Tyler has laughed, even a little bit, in a very, very, very long time. It made him feel good.
“so do you play any instuments?” asked Kyley.
“uh, yeah,” tyler stuttered, “the guitar, drums, saxophone, piano, trumet, tuba, trombone, uhm… oh and the vocal cordes.”
“you sing?” asked Allison.
“uh, yeah a little, and I scream a bit too.”
“that’s rad dude.” Matt told tyler.
For once in his life, Tyler felt accepted, like he belonged somewhere, but not for long. An averaged sized guy wearing skinny jeans, rubber bracelets, and a Bring Me the Horizon shirt came up and kissed Allison on the cheek and called her babe. Tyler’s heart sunk, the feeling of emptiness came back, he got up and walked off. He went to the bathroom, the one that looked like no one used anymore. He was angry at himself, falling for a girl like that? I must be literally stupid, she will NEVER like me like that, let alone love me. Look at me, I’m a failure, I’ve had a failure family and failure life. He looked at the little scratches on his wrist that he made this morning. Maybe I need to go deeper, maybe that might let me feel something, thought tyler. For some reason this morning after making those scratches he had put the razor in his pocket. He took the razor out of his pocket and twirled it in his fingers, gazing at it. I need to feel… Little did he know that that razor would become his best friend for the next year.


Chapter 4
Tyler came out of the bathroom with no cuts on his arm, his forearm. His scratches would heal and wouldn’t leave a trace. He walked to fifth period by himself, it was art. He was actually excited for art class. His teacher was awesome, and understanding it seemed like. Their first project was to draw something that meant very much to them, like an object or even a person.
Tyler drew his friend Alex; he committed suicide two years ago, when he was only 13 years old. He also had a troubled life, his parents abused him also but he was also molested by his older brother, he couldn’t handle it anymore so he took his own life. Alex was Tyler’s only friend; he became very depressed and lonely, even lonelier than before.
He laid his pencil on his paper and started to sketch Alex’s outline of his face, then he added the bright blue eyes and then his black hair that was always over his eyes. Tyler had a good memory, which was good and bad. He didn’t want to remember certain things but he couldn’t help it. He drew every single detail of Alex’s face. It was amazing, so realistic. He got every single freckle on his face right, in the exact spot. When he handed Mr. Carlson (Tyler’s art teacher), he looked at Tyler in amazement. He had never seen anyone draw something so detailed. Mr. Carlson got became interested; he knew that Tyler had potential that he could exceed.
Sixth period was horrible, psychology. Tyler didn’t know anything about psychology. He was clueless, but there she was right across from him, the seat in front of him in the next row. She seemed to know what she was doing. She looked back at him and smiled, then turned back to grab something and passed it to him. It was her notes that she took, he mouthed thank you to her and she just smiled back.
The notes were very helpful because they had a test the next day over what they had studied that week, well this was Tyler’s first day of school here so he had no clue what they learned. But the notes had everything on them, everything.
Last period was band, Tyler actually kind of liked it, but there she was, once again. She played the trumpet also. And Tyler chose to play the saxophone again, but this time decided to play the Bari. Tyler had played the Soprano Saxophone and the alto before, moving here was for a change right? So Tyler told Mr. Quillard that he played the Baritone Saxophone.
“Mr. Quillard, may I go to the restroom please?” Tyler asked very politely about a quarter the way into class. The teacher excused him and on his way three guys came up to him.
“Hey queer!” laughed one.
“What are you doing out of class you freak?” asked another.
Tyler just ignored them, but they started pushing and shoving him around, calling him even worse names. One of them pushed him down and Tyler just lay there, waiting for the beating.
“Get up and fight queer!” they all kept saying as they were kicking him in the ribs and head, one of them stomped on his arm nearly breaking it, but luckily didn’t. They thought it was time to go back to class so they left him there, in pain, having flashbacks of before, when Daddy used to hit him, every single day. Tears were sliding down his cheeks; he got up and went to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and winced at himself thinking, why I am I so ugly and fat? Why does everyone hate me? Oh yeah, cause I’m disgusting looking, my face is gross, I have a huge nose and oh yeah my dad used to beat the shit out of me. Tyler remembered the razor in his pocket. He grabbed it and twirled it in his fingers again thinking, I wonder if I go deeper I could feel something more, maybe a relief. And that’s what he did. He took the razor and found the sharpest point, laid it against his skin and pressed down. Slowly he dragged the blade across his skin, slowly ripping it open. It was like someone had relieved pressure on him, he felt so much better. There was a single drop of blood slowly pooling on the cut. He looked at it, admired its beauty. The crimson red slipped down his arm, slowly and dropped into the sink. He stood there staring at his arm, wondering, how could something like this feel so good? It made him happy, he could feel something, instead of being numb all the time. Feeling pain was better than nothing. The beating wasn’t enough, it was a different kind of pain, a pain that didn’t feel well, cutting feels good, it cools him down. He pulls his sleeve back over his arm and returns to class.
“By gollie! What happened Mr. Tyler?” asked Mr. Quillard, he saw that Tyler’s lip was a bit swollen and he had a black eye.
“Uh, nothing Mr. Quillard. I uh, tripped and fell.” Lied Tyler. Tyler sat back down at his chair and started to play with the band, it hurt his lip, but he didn’t want to look like a pussy.
The bell rand and everyone sped out of class, all of them laughing and smiling, except for Tyler. Allison saw him and came up to him.
“Dud what the hell happened?” she asked him. “I know you didn’t fall.”
“Some kids came up to me and pushed me around a little bit.” He told Allison.
“Pushed you around a little bit? Sounds more like a beating to me.” He winced at the word “beating”.
“It was nothing, I got to go, I’ll see you tomorrow bye.” Tyler quickly hurried off. When he got home, his mom asked him what the hell happened, and he replied with what he told Allison, some guys just pushed him around a little bit.
Mommy got an ice pack and wrapped it in a small towel and gave it to Tyler to put on his face. It hurt but it started to feel a little better. He sat down at the kitchen table and saw some papers, divorce papers. He knew this was going to happen, but it was still a shock to him. He also saw some other papers; court papers, financial papers, and his hospital record. They had found traces of semen on him, in him. He dropped the papers and got up and ran to his room. His dad had raped him.


Chapter 5
He turned on his stereo on full blast; “Fuck Everything” by Suicide Silence was playing.
“If you hate the world around you.
And it makes you sick what you see.
Then follow me.

Life is short; I'll make it what it’s worth.
With time well spent, time spent so well.
So don't run away, just face the new day,
Without a single fear in mind.
Just take it one day at a time!

And...Fuck everything! Everything!
Fuck everything! Everything!

Welcome to a nightmare,
This is the place we all call home.
Welcome to a nightmare,
This is the place we hate to call home.
We fucking hate! Hate hate hate”
The Lyrics to “Fuck Everything” meaning, be strong and don’t give a fuck what people think. But it’s hard not to. Everything cares what people think no matter what. In some ways Tyler doesn’t care but in other ways he does. If people knew his secrets they would judge him. Alex (Tyler) would have said, he is gay, a queer, a freak (although they already do sadly). It hurts. To be bullied every day, to be called names, and finding out that he was raped by his own father hurts the most. How could someone possibly do that! I feel so violated… so vulnerable… so-just disgusting, like I deserved it, but I do, but it’s so wrong… Tyler laid there in his bed crying, tears rolling down his cheeks across his nose.
He got out of bed and went to the bathroom. He turned on the shower head and got undressed. He got into the shower and sat down, just letting the water run over his shoulders, all over his back. He turned the cold water all the way off and it became scolding hot, but it felt good, it felt like it was cleansing him. It was like needles were piercing his skin, scorching needles. There was a razor in the shower and he tore it apart, taking out the blades, he took one and slid it across his