Huckleberry Finn by Dave Mckay, Mark Twain (recommended books to read TXT) 📕

turns himself loose and goes to crying loud enough to explode.

 

And the minute the words were out of his mouth someone over in the crowd started up a church song, and everybody joined in with all their might, and it just warmed you up and made you feel as good as a church meeting finishing.

Music is a good thing; and after all that soul-butter and pig feed from the king I never seen it clean things up so, and make it all sound so honest and good.

Then the king starts to work his mouth again, and says him and his brother’s daughters would be glad if a few of the best friends of the family would have a meal here with them this evening, and help sit up with the ashes of the one who has died; and says if his poor brother lying over there could speak he knows who he would name, for they was names that was very close to him, and ones he used often in his letters; and so he would name the same, that is, as follows, Reverend Hobson, and Lot Hovey, and Ben Rucker, and Abner Shackleford, and Levi Bell, and Doctor Robinson, and their wives, and the widow Bartley.

 

Reverend Hobson and Doctor Robinson was down to the end of the town a-hunting together -- that is, I mean the doctor was sending a sick man to t’other world, and the preacher was pointing him right. Lawyer Bell was away up to Louisville on business. But the others was on hand, and so they all come and shook hands with the king and thanked him and talked to him; and then they shook hands with the duke and didn’t say nothing, but just kept a-smiling and shaking their heads like a gang of crazies while he made all kinds of signs with his hands and said “Goo-goo, goo-goo-goo” all the time, like a baby that can’t talk.

 

So the king he went on and on, and was able to ask about pretty much everybody and his dog in town, by his name, and talked about lots of little things that happened one time or another in the town, or that happened to George’s family, or to Peter. And he always let on that Peter wrote him the things; but that was a lie: he got every last one of them out of that young big mouth that we canoed up to the river boat.

 

Then Mary Jane she got the letter her father left behind, and the king he read it out loud and cried over it. It give the house and three thousand dollars, gold, to the girls; and it give the leather yard (which was doing a good business), along with some other houses and land (worth about seven thousand), and three thousand dollars in gold to Harvey and William, and told where the gold was hiding down in the basement.

 

So these two robbers said they’d go and bring it up, and have everything square and open; and told me to come with a candle. We shut the door to the room behind us, and when the duke and the king found the bag they poured it out on the floor, and it was something to see, all them yellow coins.

 

My, the way the king’s eyes did light up! He slaps the duke on the shoulder and says: “Oh, ain't this great! Why, Billjy, it’s better than The King’s Foolishness, ain’t it?”

 

 

The duke agreed that it was. They pushed their hands through them yellow coins, and let them go through their fingers and fall down on the floor; and the king says: “It ain’t no use acting; being brothers to a rich dead man and foreign relatives that’s got money left to them is the line for you and me, Bilge. This here comes of trusting God. It’s the best way, in the long run. I’ve tried ‘em all, and there ain’t no better way.”

 

Most everybody would a been happy with all that money, and took it on trust; but no, they must count it. So they counts it, and it comes out four hundred and fifteen dollars short.

 

Says the king: “Blame him, what could he have done with that four hundred and fifteen dollars?”

 

They worried over that for a while, and looked all around for it. Then the duke says:

 

“Well, he was a pretty sick man, and likely he got it wrong. I think that’s the way of it. The best way’s to let it go, and keep quiet about it. We can get by without it.”

 

“Oh, yes, we can get by. I don’t care nothing about that -- it’s the count I’m thinking about. We want to be awful square and open and honest here, you know. We want to carry this here money up the steps and count it before everybody -- then there ain’t nothing secret about it. When the dead man says there’s six thousand dollars, you know, we don’t want to -- “

 

“Hold on,” says the duke. “Let’s make up the difference,” and he started to pull out gold coins from his pocket.

 

“It’s a very good plan, Duke -- you have got a pretty smart head on you,” says the king.

 

“The King’s Foolishness is helping us out again,” and he started to pull out yellow ones and put them on top of each other.

 

It almost took all they had, but they made up the six thousand clean and clear.

 

“Say,” says the duke, “I got another plan. Let’s go up there and count this money, and then take and give it to the girls.”

 

“Good land, duke, let me hug you! It’s the most beautiful plan that ever a man come across. You have truly got the most wonderful head I ever seen. Oh, this is the best game, there ain’t no way around it. Let ‘em bring out their fears about us now if they want to -- this’ll put an end to them.”

 

When we got up the steps everybody crowded around the table, and the king he counted it and put it in lots of three hundred dollars -- twenty beautiful little lots. Everybody looked hungry at it, and moved their tongues over their lips. Then they pushed it all into the bag again, and I see the king start to build himself up for another talk.

 

 

He says: “Friends all, my poor brother that lies over there has done generous by them that’s left behind in such sadness. He has done generous by these here poor little lambs that he loved and protected, and that’s left without a father and mother. Yes, and we that knowed him knows that he would a done more generous by ‘em if he hadn’t been afraid of hurting good William and me. Now, wouldn’t he? There ain’t no question about it in my head. Well, then, what kind of brothers would it be that would stand in his way at such a time? And what kind of uncles would it be that would rob -- yes, rob -- such poor sweet lambs as these that he loved so at such a time? If I know William -- and I think I do -- he -- well, I’ll just ask him.” He turns around and starts to make a lot of signs to the duke with his hands, and the duke he looks at him stupid for a while; then at some point, he seems to catch his meaning, and jumps for the king, goo-gooing with all his might for happiness, and hugs him about fifteen times before he lets up. Then the king says, “I knowed it; I think that will be enough to tell anyone the way he feels about it. Here, Mary Jane, Susan, Joanna, take the money -- take it all. It’s the gift of him that lies over there, cold but in peace.”

 

Mary Jane she went for him, Susan and the young one went for the duke, and then such another hugging and kissing I never seen. And everybody crowded up with tears in their eyes, and most shook the hands off them robbers, saying all the time: “You wonderful good souls! -- how sweet! -- how could you!”

 

Well, then, pretty soon all hands got to talking about the dead man again, and how good he was, and what they had lost in him going, and all that; and before long a big man with a strong face worked himself in there from outside, and stood a-listening and looking, and not saying anything; and nobody saying anything to him either, because the king was talking and they was all busy listening. The king was saying -- in the middle of something he’d started in on -- “ -- they being special friends of the dead man, that’s why they were asked to be here this evening; but tomorrow we want all to come -- everybody; for he loved everybody, and so it’s right that his funeral orgies should be for everyone.”

 

And so he went a-talking on and on, liking to hear himself talk, and every little while he brought in his funeral orgies again, until the duke he couldn’t stand it no more; so he writes on a little piece of paper, “Obsequies, you stupid old man,” and folds it up, and goes to goo-gooing and reaching it over people’s heads to him. The king he reads it and puts it in his pocket, and says: “Poor William, sick as he is, his heart’s right. Asked me to ask everybody to come to the funeral -- wants me to make ‘em all welcome. But he needn’t a worried -- it was just what I was at.”

 

Then he goes on again, perfectly easy, and goes to dropping in his funeral orgies again every now and then, just like he done before. And when he done it the third time he says:

 

“I say orgies, not because it’s what most people say, because it ain’t -- obsequies being what most people say -- but I say it because orgies is the right word. Obsequies ain’t used in England no more now -- it’s gone out. We say orgies now in England. Orgies is better, because it means the thing you’re after more perfectly. It’s a word that’s made up out of the Greek orgo, outside, open, for all; and the Hebrew jeesum, to plant, cover up; as in bury. So, you see, funeral orgies is an open funeral for everyone.”

 

He was the worst I ever saw. Well, the hard faced man he laughed right in his face. Everybody was surprised and hurt. Everybody says, “Why, doctor!” and Abner Shackleford says: “Why, Robinson, ain’t you heard the news? This is Harvey Wilks.”

 

The king he smiled enthusiastically, and reached out his hand, and says: “Is it my poor brother’s very good friend and doctor? I -- “

 

“Keep your hands off of me!” says the doctor. “You talk like an English man, do you? It’s the worst English I ever heard. You Peter Wilks’s brother? You’re a robber, that’s what you are!”

 

Well, how they all took on! They crowded around the doctor and tried to quiet him down, and tried to tell him how Harvey had showed in forty ways that he was Harvey, and knowed everybody by name, and the names of the very dogs, and begged and begged him not to hurt Harvey’s feelings and the poor girls’ feelings, and all that. But it weren’t no use; he stormed right along, and said any man that said he was an English man and couldn’t do the language no better than what he did was telling lies. The poor girls was hanging to the king and crying; and all at once the doctor goes and turns on them.

 

He says: “I was your father’s friend, and I’m your friend; and I warn you as a friend, and an honest one that wants to protect you and keep you from being hurt, to turn your backs on that man and have nothing to do with him, this uneducated stranger, with his crazy Greek and Hebrew, as he calls it. He is the thinnest kind of counterfeit. He has come here with a lot of empty names and things which he picked up who knows where, and you take them for proof, and are helped to trick yourselves by these foolish friends here, who should know better. Mary Jane Wilks, you know me for your friend, and for your honest friend, too. Now listen to me; send this awful man away -- I beg you to do it. Will you?”

 

Mary Jane pulled herself up straight, and my, but she was good looking! She says: “Here is my answer.” She took up the bag of money and put it in the king’s hands, and says, “Take this six thousand dollars, and use it to make money for me and my sisters any way you want to, and don’t give us no papers for it.”

 

 

Then she put her arm around the king on one side, and Susan and the