Goldeline by Jimmy Cajoleas (i read books txt) 📕

I got to think real hard about this. I got to get this just right.

“Heaven is like a big warm bed, with fresh white sheets that smell like honeysuckle. Heaven is a table full of food and everyone you love is sitting right there. And they don’t got wrinkles except from laughing and they’re just how you remember them, not even how they really were. It’s the table where you really belong, really truly finally belong, like home. And everyone talks like singing birds. Every time anyone opens their mouths it’s nothing but a song.”

“And that’s where my momma is right now?”

“She’s up there, chowing down. She’s sitting next to God and your daddy and they’re waving down at you right now.”

“That sounds nice. That sounds real nice.”

Soon Tommy’s sleeping, the softest snores you ever heard. The owl takes off, his great wide wings cutting through the night quiet. I’m glad Tommy’s asleep. Any more talk about heaven and my heart would have busted open and all my rivers come rolling out. I never told anyone about my momma before that didn’t already know. I never talked about it to anyone except Gruff. I know I’m just tricking Tommy but I don’t want him to leave. Not yet. I got to figure a way to tell him the truth about me. I got to figure a way to keep him.

Morning comes quick and I’m up with the dew. I sneak off early because I want to surprise Tommy. I could cook him some cornbread, maybe pick out a new book. There’s all kinds of treasures that Gruff didn’t think we could sell or trade. Maybe I can find something for Tommy, something to cheer him up. Everyone likes presents.

The morning is smiling on me. Even the fog seems happy, like wrapping paper for me to tear through and find the day. A red fox yawns and sniffs the air. When it sees me, I wave and it bolts, off and gone into nothing. It’s a gift though, because I never see foxes, not here. The morning birds holler and a woodpecker smashes its beak into something far off. The woods isn’t just the trees, it’s a million leaves flinging dew to the breeze, the buzz of horseflies and honeybees, the grumble of worms under my feet. It’s like a song that nobody has ears big enough to make sense of, like a song God wrote just for Himself.

I break the tree line into camp with my head full of music. I can see the boys all waking up in the distance, just out of earshot. Leebo’s stoking the fire, ready for breakfast, and Gruff stretches himself in the long velvet robe, coming out of his tent like a lion from a den.

I raise my hand to wave at him when there’s a snap of twigs behind me, back in the woods. I turn around, and not twenty feet from me he stands, redheaded, bug-eyed, scared out of his mind. Tommy. He followed me. I guess I had my head so stuffed with everything good I didn’t even have the sense to listen for him. No wonder the fox left me so fast. I been dreading this, even though I knew it had to happen, same as every bad thing in the world. Tommy tries to run but I’m faster than him.

I tackle Tommy and pin him down. He’s crying so hard he can barely talk. It’s all over. I knew I was too happy. You can’t ever let yourself get too happy. That’s when bad stuff comes. That’s when everything goes the most wrong.

“You’re one of them,” Tommy says. “One of the bad guys.”

“They’re not bad.”

“They robbed us. They sent Miss Lyons off into the woods.”

“They saved my life and here I am, saving yours.”

“You can’t be both bad and good. You’re one or the other.”

“That’s not true,” I say. “It isn’t so simple as that.”

“Get off me.”

“Only if you won’t run.”

When I get up, he takes off running. I catch him pretty quick and sling him into the leaves. I put both my knees on his chest and sit there so he can’t move.

“Where are you gonna run, Tommy? You don’t know how to get back to the road. You’re stuck here unless I help you.”

“You told me you were an angel. You wear my momma’s dress. You lied to me. You’re a wicked girl, bad right down to your toes.”

He’s right. I’m about the worst thing there is.

“All I wanted was a friend,” I say, and I realize it’s true.

“You’ll never be any friend of mine,” he says, crying.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t turn him into Gruff and them, much less Pugh. They’ll kill him, and maybe even me. Only thing I can do is let him go. I got to trust Tommy like I never trusted anybody except Momma in my life.

“Get up,” I say. “I’ll take you to the road. I will. Just promise me you won’t tell anybody we’re here. Tell them you got lost.”

“First thing I do is go to the sheriff. I’ll have all them bandits hanged.”

Growling in my best Gruff voice, I say, “You say one word to the sheriff and I’ll slit your throat. I don’t care where you run off to, where you hide. I’ll find you and I’ll kill you dead.”

Tommy starts bawling again. I crawl off him and crouch in front of him.

“Listen. I will take you to the road. Just shut up and follow me.”

He shakes my hand off when I try to help him up. The kid won’t even look at me. My friend. I messed this one up about as bad as I could have messed anything. I ruined it. I ruined it forever. It was so good to have a friend. I never knew how alone I had been until I finally wasn’t anymore. I’m so scared it can’t be fixed, that I messed up for real. One mess-up can last