The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (children's ebooks free online txt) 📕

himself from the sphere of exaction. Absolute

In Philosophy, existing without reference to anything, and for a purely selfish purpose. Absolute certainty is one of the possible degrees of probability.

Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins; a form of government in which the chief power is vested in a gentleman who is near his end. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign’s power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.

Abstainer

A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

Said a man to a crapulent youth: “I thought
You a total abstainer, my son.”
“So I am, so I am,” said the scapegrace caught⁠—
“But not, sir, a bigoted one.”

—⁠G. J. Abstemious

Thoughtfully deferential to one’s overtaxed capacity.

Abstruseness

The bait of a bare hook.

Absurdity

The argument of an opponent. A belief in which one has not had the misfortune to be instructed.

A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.

Abundance

A means, under Providence, of withholding alms from the destitute.

Abuse

The goal of debate. Abuse of power is the exercise of authority in a manner unpleasant to ourselves.

Academe

An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

Academy

(from academe)

Originally a grove in which philosophers sought a meaning in nature; now a school in which naturals seek a meaning in philosophy.

A modern school where football is taught.

Accept

In Courtship to reap the whirlwind after sowing the wind. To accept office is to take with decent reluctance the reward of immodest avidity. To accept a challenge is to become a sincere believer in the sanctity of human life.

Accident

An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

Acclimated

Secured against endemic diseases through having died of one.

Accommodate

To oblige; to lay the foundation of future exactions.

Accomplice

One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney’s position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.

Your partner in business.

Accord

Harmony.

Accordion

An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

Accoucheur

The devil’s purveyor.

Accountability

The mother of caution.

“My accountability, bear in mind,”
Said the Grand Vizier: “Yes, yes,”
Said the Shah: “I do⁠—’tis the only kind
Of ability you possess.”

—⁠Joram Tate Accuse

To affirm another’s guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

Acephalous

In the surprising condition of the Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville.

Achievement

The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

Acknowledge

To confess. Acknowledgement of one another’s faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

Acquaintance

A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

Actually

Perhaps; possibly.

Adage

Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

Adamant

A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.

Adder

A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

Adherent

A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

Administration

An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.

Admiral

That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Admiration

Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.

Admonition

Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.

Consigned by way of admonition,
His soul forever to perdition.

—⁠Judibras Adore

To venerate expectantly.

Advice

The smallest current coin.

“The man was in such deep distress,”
Said Tom, “that I could do no less
Than give him good advice.” Said Jim:
“If less could have been done for him
I know you well enough, my son,
To know that’s what you would have done.”

—⁠Jebel Jocordy Affianced

Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.

Affliction

An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.

African

A nigger that votes our way.

Age

That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit.

Agitator

A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors⁠—to dislodge the worms.

Aim

The task we set our wishes to.

“Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?”
She tenderly inquired.
“An aim? Well, no, I haven’t, wife;
The fact is⁠—I have fired.”

—⁠G. J. Air

A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

Alderman

An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.

Alien

An American sovereign in his probationary state.

Allah

The Muslim Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth.

Allah’s good laws I faithfully have kept,
And ever for the sins of man have wept;
And sometimes kneeling in the temple I
Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.

—⁠Junker Barlow Allegiance

This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,
Is a ring fitted in the subject’s nose,
Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
To smell the sweetness of the Lord’s anointed.

—⁠G. J. Alliance

In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

Alligator

The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called