A Howl In The Night by Lorelei Sutton (life books to read .txt) 📕

so that I don’t have to look at it anymore.

Probably perplexed by my movement, Xavier casts a quick glance at me. His hair is growing longer, cascading over his eyes and down the back of his neck. I feel the urge to brush it out of the way, but restrain myself as he turns again to focus on Ray again.

“Well, I’m glad we got you out of there,” Xavier says firmly as Ray finishes his story. “Now we have to come up with a new game plan.” 

“What now…” I murmur quietly, looking at the ground hopelessly. There is no game plan. Or even a survival plan.

But they don’t seem to know that, ignoring my whispered words to discuss their next strategy. But is it even a strategy? All of our efforts just seem to be poking at the air with a stick.

“We should head away from the Castle to see if there is a border,” Danae suggests, peering out from the cave into the fine mist. “It’s better than staying here where the Shifters can find us.”

“But don’t you think the Shifters are hiding something?” Jake asks fiercely. “We shouldn’t run away like cowards.”

“It’s a big world out there,” I finally speak, looking at each member of the group in the eye. “We don’t want to waste our energy when we are so low on food.”

Everyone looks at each other, morbid whispers hanging in the suffocating air. Xavier looks at me again, this time searching my face for answers.

“I think we need to rest,” Ray offers, standing up quickly. “Let’s find some warm shelter. Two or three can fit in this cave.”

I try to agree with him, but the burden of knowledge weighs down on me as countless questions come to mind. What is he doing?

Why are you running?

Xavier stands up as well, pulling me with him. “We will find some shelter as well. Wes, stay here. Danae, you should help him.” Danae nods, and I notice a hint of purple in Wes’s face. What’s wrong with him?

“We think he’s getting sick or his injury is infected,” Xavier whispers to me as we start walking. “He has been feeling fatigued for quite some time and injuries aren’t healing as quickly in this world.” 

“That’s not good…” I say softly, my eyes narrowing as Ray takes a turn ahead of us into the underbrush. Xavier leads me over in that direction, only to see Ray backing into a niche in the ground with a tree trunk over his head.

“A few can join me over here!” he calls back to us, and I visibly sigh in relief. He wasn’t going to disappear again.

“What?” Xavier asks quietly. 

“Uh… nothing.” I smile weakly, starting to walk over towards Ray. Xavier pulls me back, giving me that annoying suspicious look again. 

“We are going to find shelter over this way!” He calls back, starting to walk in the opposite direction. “Jake and the others will join you.”

“Xavier?” I ask, my eyes widening. He only tightens his hold on me and keeps looking straight ahead. I start to feel guilt, but at the same time I still know that I can’t tell him. I can’t rob that spark of life from him.

We keep walking for quite some time, until I finally decide to figure out what’s going on. “Do we really have to walk so far away from the others?” I ask him, the exasperation impossible to hide from my voice. “I think we passed close to three other spots where we could have had some shelter for a while.”

He smiles thinly, continuing to walk forwards. “I want to make sure.” He leads me through a pathway between trees, revealing miles of the same empty, desolate scenery. 

“Sure of wha-“ He whirls me around to face him, his hand pulling my body towards his in a crashing kiss. My knees almost buckle to the pressure and I nearly forget to breathe in the sudden, overwhelming intensity. “Xavier!” I call out chokingly as he retreats only to change angles and leave me breathless yet again.

His other hand leaves my neck and trails down my back, pulling me closer until there is no space between us. I lose myself in the repeated kisses, questioning everything that I know to be true for this one feeling that overcomes all obligation and supposed meaning. My legs become like a rag doll’s and I am completely dependent on Xavier’s support. In response he lifts my legs so that I am cradled in his arms.

“Sure that we couldn’t be heard,” he slyly whispers in my ear, brushing his lips down the side of my face into the curvature of my neck. I let out a small whimper as he kisses my collarbone, his hand brushing my leg. “I’m so glad you’re safe, Mona. I don’t know what I would have done if I lost you.” His face moves upwards, dropping a light kiss on my forehead. I stare into his eyes, my heart melting as I see myself reflected within them. 

And as he moves towards the base of a tree, carefully lowering me onto the ground as if I was… a precious object, memories start to flash within my head of him, and of us. We met before, in the real world. I hated him because I felt forced into something fake, but he made the connection between us real and authentic with every passing day. He was annoying and persistent, but turns out that happened to be my type because I fell for him anyways.

I remember all of the moments, puzzle pieces fitting together instantaneously. There was the time in the mansion, the time where I betrayed his trust, the time where he told me he loved me anyways, and still continued to love me even as I pushed him away. I remember the Sharuken ritual, when the council told me he was gone although in reality he never left. He was the one who never tried to change me but always accepted who I was.

His thumb gently pushes my mouth open, and his lips meet mine once more. My arms wrap around his neck desperately even as he temporarily releases me. “Forgive me for being selfish,” he says quietly, “But I need you now more than I need anything else.”

I pull him back to me, his face millimeters from my own. “I love you, Xavier. I remember everything. Now I know that I have needed you from the beginning.” I smile at him, then close the distance as his eyes widen. His hands grip at my shoulders, as if begging for confirmation.

His knees fold from the surprise and he falls to his side against me. I guide his arm around my waist and roll into his embrace, fully intending to let go of any obligations and practicality for the most important person in my life. He lets me control our movements, and I add pressure into the kiss, rubbing his shoulder and the sides of his arm.

Xavier smiles at me, leaning back as the surprise wears off. “I’m so glad you remember. I promise that I will always be there for you. You will never regret this.” He roughly kisses my temple. “I love… you too and always will.”

He pulls my body into his and we lie against each other, looking into the endless sky and dreaming of an eternity together. Even though the ground is cold and hard, my heart is enveloped in an ethereal warmth. This is my home. This is where I belong.

 

* * *

 

Whispers of judgement.

The winds howl into the night, but I am unafraid. I am stronger than anything this world has to offer. She gives me strength… and hope.

I lean against a tree, robbed of all my energy. Breaths are a triviality to my kind, but I need them… to keep my identity. To exist rather than to fade away into the endless mist. 

There is no blood here. There is no tears or anger, no happiness or laughter. We are only shells, but we still have the hope of life. She must come soon, or I will crumble to the emptiness of this world.

I know she will send me on the path to deliverance. 

 

My eyes flutter, and I awake to the roar of the wind. I wonder why I am not shivering, and then quickly recognize the warmth of the man right beside me. It feels so nice here. I could stay here… forever…

 

I want to say that I’m sorry, but I can’t form the words.

I want to say that you don’t have to do this, but I can’t form the words.

Because I’m losing myself and everything I value. I can’t feel or breathe, completely stagnant in a static world. Feelings are a dull ache, and actions are beyond my means. I can’t form much of anything that mirrors what I would call myself. Does self even exist anymore? I would like to say yes, but I still can’t form the words.

Save me, please. Although I can’t beg.

 

I jerk upwards, my chest heaving. Even though the air bites with a hint of frost, my arms and head glisten with sweat. The whispers are caving in on me. 

Xavier lies beside me, still sleeping. His shirt rests against the tree, and I carefully pick it up and drape it over him. He must have been really tired, because he’s not usually such a heavy sleeper.

I stand up quickly, trying to rid my head of all the madness swirling around inside it. I… know what I saw, but I’m not sure that I want to admit it to myself. So I’ll just call it lunacy. Insanity. Nothing that has anything to do with me.

I bend back down, staring at Xavier’s peaceful resting face. My hand reaches out and brushes the hair away from his eyes, and for a minute I believe that I can forget everything once again. 

Don’t forget who you are, Mona.

I shook, standing back up quickly and pacing around the small clearing. Why am I having these dreams? I saw Shifters, nearly dead, pleading… to me for help. Are these real, or my own illusions? What should I do about them?

I turn my head to see a glint of metal hidden at the base of a thick shrub. Walking over, I dig around in the leaves to find a crown with a pulsating, ruby red crystal at the top of it. I pick it up, feeling the weight and texture only to find that this is… the same crown.

Where did I even leave it to begin with? I know I was holding it in the core of the castle, but I don’t remember anything after that. One thing is for sure, I certainly didn’t put it here.

I hold it awkwardly while looking around the area, half expecting to see Ray hiding in the background. Who is orchestrating this? Everything just seems to fit together, just like my earlier dreams of Ray and the castle, and in real life things don’t work out that way.

For you, it does.

The crown brings with it the burden of responsibility like a tidal wave over my heart. As I look at Xavier, at all these happy, priceless moments we made last night and the many days before, it reminds me that I’m only tying more string to him and the others that will have to be cut. I don’t doubt that these moments are special, that they matter to me and to us, but they will just make things harder in the end. I know that it already is. 

I have to love him enough so that I can let him go. The Shifters need to be saved, and potentially the human race as well. The werewolves won’t have to kill Shifters in order to feel useful anymore. From what Ray said, the werewolves may cease to exist as I know them. I’m not sure that I know that means, but even so all I am left with is the urgency and inevitability of my