Living In The Moment by Juniper Lee (best ereader under 100 .txt) 📕

A Note Just To Say:

-It's called living in the moment for a reason. Instead of reflecting on the incident I go back and relive it. Hope it makes sense!

-I don't love to share my thoughts with random strangers online and I don't love to tell random strangers about my life or where I live. So, yeah....

-These thoughts are written spontaneously in no particular order, so if it doesn't make sense just deal with it!

-Exactly what I wrote is written here. No afterthoughts added and no editing.

Rain

I love the rain.

The inspiration that comes from new thoughts and relaxing smells. A cleanse for my mind. Exactly what I needed.

Deep breath

Soak it in

Live the rain

Let it wash everything away

I pull on the jacket I had stuffed in the back of my closet and run outside. Down the stairs. Around the corner. Pause, leaning against the building for a moment.

Breathe

"Hey Gwen!" voices call from the courtyard.

Ignoring them, I run around another corner and pump my music louder. Dragging my hand along the wall I walk slowly, staring up into the sky and then out to the empty space.

Run

The rain is already slowing, but I sprint the short distance to the end of the lot.

No! Don't stop

There's no wind. Rain falls straight down onto me. The ground is soft. My music thuds through me, an odd contrast with the rain.

Pause

Breathe again

Don't think

Something I don't even understand. How the rain does this to me.

No stress

A relief

A release

My only break

Rarely does my mind stop churning. Only at times like this. It's the rain. The music too, but mostly the rain.

I love the rain.

I spin in a circle slowly, letting the last seconds of rain soak into my bones and my mind. Cass appears in the distance, bringing my attention back to reality. She waves me down.

With a heavy heart, I sigh, turn my music down, and sprint back to our building.

"Mom wants to go to the store, then we gotta come back and finish cleaning and packing."

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

Poor

What is poor?

Poor is not having enough money to do laundry on a regular basis.

Poor is not having money to keep a car running and, eventually, not having any car at all.

Poor is having been homeless.

Poor is not having money to pay for minutes on you phone.

Poor is living with only hand me down clothes.

Poor is being on foodstamps, having state paid insurance, and living in assisted income apartments where the rent is literally nothing because you don't make enough money to pay anything.

We are poor.

Again

Poor

A common word used to describe a common situation. For instance, mine. The same word is used by many people although their predicaments don't exactly fit the category.

Ha

It's dark. I pull my bags from the car, feeling the rain drops that splatter my skin. No commotion from the family yet? Good.

Breathe

"Transmissions gone, kids. This is as far as we're gonna get."

So glad it's raining. I might explode without it. Then again, I might explode anyway. Mom's practically spitting fire.

Calm

Stay calm

"It's a short walk home. We'll be fine."

Me. Always the voice of reason.

I begin to walk away. Even strides. Check to make sure I hear four sets of footsteps behind me.

The rain is draining my focus.

"Stay on the shoulder," my mind forces me to call back to my followers.

"Yeah, we know."

The streetlights bounce off the wet road. Home is just around the corner. I hear the phone being dialed.

Hopefully we have enough minutes to call someone to get the car. Don't know who's awake though. And there's no way we can afford a tow.

I look down at the muddy sidewalk. Obviously the others don't. Two high pitched yells and the sound of sloshing greet my ears.

Soft crying

Tears in the mud

Turn around, walk back to them, help them get up. Make no ones injured. Ignore the complaints of ruined clothing.

"We can soak it in the tub when we get home It'll be fine." Me.

"But this is my favorite!"

"And if it's in the tub no one can shower."

"We don't even have money to do laundry."

All three chime in.

Seriously!?

"It will be fine. Let's just get inside."

Mom's voice gets farther away. I don't know who she's calling. Don't care. Just want to sleep.

No thoughts

Clear mind

Rain beats down harder. I focus on my feet on each stair step. Up, up, up. Finally, home.

"Don't forget there's broken glass by the kitchen," I warn.

I know I won't be able to shower tonight. Too late. Too much commotion. Mom's already mad. I just slip on my pajamas.

"It won't come out!"

"My only nice, new clothes! Ruined."

The girls call from the bathroom.

Sigh

With no words I scrub out dirt and mud. Rinse. Soap. Rinse. Soak. Then I slip back into my room and lay down. My sister trudges in after me.

"Cass, I don't want to hear it. Just go to bed."

"Whatever, Gwen. I can be in a bad mood if I want to."

"Goodnight."

Holding Tight

There are times in life when you can't let go. When you clutch at something, anything to hold you steady.When you need the support and comfort.

Because there are things that never loosen their grip on you. Those things that clutch at you, slowly tightening their claws until you choke.

You don't know what it's like until it has you. You can't feel the emotions, but their traces are left in you forever. Sleeping, waiting to be awakened again.

Breathe

I scream inside my mind.

Breathe

And think

But I can't focus enough to think.

Just enough to continue taking in breath and walk forward.

The remnants of a rainy morning are all around me. The smell, the clouds, the mud. But even the rain isn't enough to calm me.

I finally reach it. Push the small gate open. Walk through the soft sand.

I wrap my hands around the chains. The metal is cool. It seeps into my body. I sit down.

It is stable.

I am calm.

Then I push backward and swing forward. I pump my legs. No thoughts. Eyes closed.

Pump, swing

Pump, swing

Repetition combined with a few drops of rain. I open my eyes and let my thoughts rush forward.

"How could they?!" my mind yells. "How could they just take her kids from her like that? She's a good mother. She's just in the hospital. It's all his fault! Why couldn't he take care of them? How am I supposed to fix this?!"

My hands clutch tightly at the chains.

Breathe

Pump

Swing

Calm

Think

This is when I need someone else. Someone to hold me steady. Someone to cling to instead of some thing.

The air whoosing past my head is cld. It flings my hair into my face. I don't pay attention.

My thoughts repeat. From CPS to the kids to me. Me holding the world on my shoulders. I'm not human. I help and heal and rarely give my problems a second thought. I do what needs to be done, even if its npt my job.

But I'm just a girl.

I can't do it.

Breathe

Pump

Swing

But I do it.

These are the times when the world's grip on my heart almost chokes me, crushing me.

Almost

But then I remember his hand holding mine. I feel his arms around me. And I dont choke. Because I'm not alone.

Broken

People break easily. We're easily crushed, easily shattered, easily torn. All of us. Including me. I'm not used to being broken, but its not my choice to make.

When people have power over you they can break you. They can take you, crush you, throw you, and most of the time you don't know what to do. Especially if you don't see it coming.

"Delainey!" I yell in a whisper.

She walks away.

I follow her. Out of class. Down the hall and into the bathroom.

Slam

The stall door shuts.

My heart pounds with it.

Crash, boom

Her fist slams against the heavy plastic.

Sigh

I slide to the ground. She does the same.

Perfectly in time.

Silence

Empty, heart breaking silence

My mind runs full speed as I stare at the dingy bathroom walls. I still cant believe what happened. I cant believe how easily she crushed me. Discarded me.

Breathe

Close your eyes

Dont think

Chink, click

I hear the stall door unlocking, opening slowly. I hear her footsteps. I dont open my eyes. But I feel her next to