HEALTH MATTERS by Paul Curtis (free ebooks for android txt) 📕
- Author: Paul Curtis
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they tell me
I will feel the benefits immediately
Their fitness plan like as not
Will take me from shot to hot
From porker to corker
From chunk to hunk
From duff to buff
But in order for me to see my toes
I just need to pay them through the nose
So rather than try to get thinner
I will just stop looking in the mirror
FEVERISH AGAIN
I am suffering from gammon flu
It’s not particularly nasty
I was suffering from swine flu
But then they cured me
FEVERISH YET AGAIN
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
Turned out to be MAN flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed whine flu
DOCTOR IN MOTION
“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea
And I think it’s hereditary”
“Nonsense man I can assure you
Diarrhoea is not hereditary,
And no matter how chronic it is
It’s not as bad as it seems”
“But doctor I know it’s hereditary
Because it’s in my jeans”
FEVERISH AGAIN AND AGAIN
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by intoxication
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed wine flu
THE BUDDHIST AT THE DENTIST
The Buddhist monk
Following dental examination
Refused an injection
For his required dental extrication
Instead he chose to
Transcend dental medication
FEVERISH ONCE AGAIN
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by infatuation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed swain flu
THE CANDY MAN
He has had a very sweet tooth all of his life
He even found himself a rather sweet wife
He’d eat cream cakes and all kinds of sweeties
Now he has high cholesterol and type 2 diabetes
FEVERISH ONCE MORE
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
In contact with evergreen vegetation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed Pine flu
HELP LINE
I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
“Where are you ringing from Mrs. Brown”?
I of course replied “from the waist down”
FEVERISH MORE AND MORE
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by infatuation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed swoon flu
EARLY ARRIVAL
At premature ejaculators anonymous
I sat all alone in the meeting room
And I pondered my solitary situation
And concluded that I just came too soon
TAKAWAY BLUES
Last weekend my dad tried
A new Indian takeaway
He said it was very good
But he suffered the next day
He was violently sick
And was rushed into hospital
But he’s on the mend
And has no ill effects at all
The bhajis contained tulip bulbs
Obviously not the right thing
The hospital has said
He won't be out until the spring.
LITERARY DOCTORATE
“Oh doctor, doctor
You must help me
I have been afflicted
Most horribly
I keep quoting
William Topaz McGonagall”
The doc replied
“We can’t help you at all”
“Oh doctor why
Cant you treat me for it”?
He replied
“Because this is the burns unit”
WHAT CAN I EAT?
I don’t want Swine flu
So no more pork for me
I don’t want Bird flu
So no chicken fricassee
I don’t want mad cow disease
So no more Beef for me
I don’t want Salmonella
So no dippy eggs for tea
With mercury in the water
I will no longer eat fish
There is pollution in the air
So I’ll eat no bird related dish
I cannot eat any type of fruit
Because of insecticides
And all vegetables are out
Because of the herbicides
So I am at a loss now
To know what I can eat
There is of course chocolate
But then what would be my treat?
A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE
A balanced diet
Is what is planned
Which invariably
Means I understand
Something healthy
Something bland
A healthy lifestyle
Is what is planned
So a balanced diet
If I might expand
Does not involve
A pie in each hand
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
I lie awake in the wee small hours
Unable to just drift away
My mind is constantly replaying
All the events of the day
I’ve tossed and I’ve turned
I even counted sheep for a bit
Now I find my foot has gone to sleep
And I long to catch up with it
IBS
“You have an irritable bowel”
My doctor told me today
It didn’t surprise me at all
It was inevitable in a way
Because I’m a very irritable man
Harsh but true I would say
So why should my bowel
Behave in any other way
DRASTIC SURGERY
People of a certain age
With skin like tired elastic
Go to see a surgeon
And are quite enthusiastic
Though the procedures
Seem a little drastic
The surgeon promises
They will look fantastic
In reality however they just
Tighten the tired elastic
But the patient is satisfied
And pay the bill on plastic
IT’S THE WRONG WAY ROUND
Plastic surgeons think themselves Gods
As they try to turn back the clock
I think plastic surgery is nonsense
Trying to hold back the ravages of time
By nipping and tucking
And implanting and enhancing
It is an exercise in futility
People who have face lifts
Don’t look younger
Just permanently surprised
The medical profession
By trying to preserve aging flesh
Is approaching the problem
From the wrong direction
Would it not be better?
To transplant the brain
Of a mature man or woman
Into the body of a vacuous teenager
Then you could have fabulous sex
Followed by great conversation
DEFLATED
I used to rise at dawn
And marvel at my erection
Such a thing of beauty
So wonderful in its perfection
But those days are behind me
Its flaccid now upon inspection
And to raise it from its flaccidity
I must consume some blue confection
And thus perform a miracle rising
Akin to the resurrection
THE ABSENT MINDED OCTOGENARIAN
An octogenarian visited his doctor
'I think I'm getting senile” he said
The doctor replied “I don’t think you are senile
Let’s look for a different diagnosis instead”
“But I keep forgetting to do up my fly”
The old man said “After I’ve been for a pee”
The doctor smiled and then replied
“Not opening your fly before you start, that’s senility”
WRINKLE FREE
I have discovered a great way
To get wrinkle free skin
I just eat as much as I want
And the fat fills them in
I DON’T BOTHER WITH FLU JABS
Its flu jab season again
But I always give them a pass
I self medicate with alcohol
It really is first class
So just say to the doc
When he starts to tut
That a shot in your glass
Is better than one in the butt
SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS
When I was on an Alaskan island
I was sure i had seen an optician
Just as plain as the nose on my face
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
DOCTOR FEELGOOD
My doctor advised me to
Take regular exercise
Eat more fruit
And get plenty of fresh air
So I have taken his advice
I walk to the pub
I have a slice of lemon with my G&T
And I drink in the beer garden
Imprint
I will feel the benefits immediately
Their fitness plan like as not
Will take me from shot to hot
From porker to corker
From chunk to hunk
From duff to buff
But in order for me to see my toes
I just need to pay them through the nose
So rather than try to get thinner
I will just stop looking in the mirror
FEVERISH AGAIN
I am suffering from gammon flu
It’s not particularly nasty
I was suffering from swine flu
But then they cured me
FEVERISH YET AGAIN
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
Turned out to be MAN flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed whine flu
DOCTOR IN MOTION
“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea
And I think it’s hereditary”
“Nonsense man I can assure you
Diarrhoea is not hereditary,
And no matter how chronic it is
It’s not as bad as it seems”
“But doctor I know it’s hereditary
Because it’s in my jeans”
FEVERISH AGAIN AND AGAIN
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by intoxication
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed wine flu
THE BUDDHIST AT THE DENTIST
The Buddhist monk
Following dental examination
Refused an injection
For his required dental extrication
Instead he chose to
Transcend dental medication
FEVERISH ONCE AGAIN
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by infatuation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed swain flu
THE CANDY MAN
He has had a very sweet tooth all of his life
He even found himself a rather sweet wife
He’d eat cream cakes and all kinds of sweeties
Now he has high cholesterol and type 2 diabetes
FEVERISH ONCE MORE
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
In contact with evergreen vegetation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed Pine flu
HELP LINE
I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
“Where are you ringing from Mrs. Brown”?
I of course replied “from the waist down”
FEVERISH MORE AND MORE
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by infatuation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed swoon flu
EARLY ARRIVAL
At premature ejaculators anonymous
I sat all alone in the meeting room
And I pondered my solitary situation
And concluded that I just came too soon
TAKAWAY BLUES
Last weekend my dad tried
A new Indian takeaway
He said it was very good
But he suffered the next day
He was violently sick
And was rushed into hospital
But he’s on the mend
And has no ill effects at all
The bhajis contained tulip bulbs
Obviously not the right thing
The hospital has said
He won't be out until the spring.
LITERARY DOCTORATE
“Oh doctor, doctor
You must help me
I have been afflicted
Most horribly
I keep quoting
William Topaz McGonagall”
The doc replied
“We can’t help you at all”
“Oh doctor why
Cant you treat me for it”?
He replied
“Because this is the burns unit”
WHAT CAN I EAT?
I don’t want Swine flu
So no more pork for me
I don’t want Bird flu
So no chicken fricassee
I don’t want mad cow disease
So no more Beef for me
I don’t want Salmonella
So no dippy eggs for tea
With mercury in the water
I will no longer eat fish
There is pollution in the air
So I’ll eat no bird related dish
I cannot eat any type of fruit
Because of insecticides
And all vegetables are out
Because of the herbicides
So I am at a loss now
To know what I can eat
There is of course chocolate
But then what would be my treat?
A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE
A balanced diet
Is what is planned
Which invariably
Means I understand
Something healthy
Something bland
A healthy lifestyle
Is what is planned
So a balanced diet
If I might expand
Does not involve
A pie in each hand
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
I lie awake in the wee small hours
Unable to just drift away
My mind is constantly replaying
All the events of the day
I’ve tossed and I’ve turned
I even counted sheep for a bit
Now I find my foot has gone to sleep
And I long to catch up with it
IBS
“You have an irritable bowel”
My doctor told me today
It didn’t surprise me at all
It was inevitable in a way
Because I’m a very irritable man
Harsh but true I would say
So why should my bowel
Behave in any other way
DRASTIC SURGERY
People of a certain age
With skin like tired elastic
Go to see a surgeon
And are quite enthusiastic
Though the procedures
Seem a little drastic
The surgeon promises
They will look fantastic
In reality however they just
Tighten the tired elastic
But the patient is satisfied
And pay the bill on plastic
IT’S THE WRONG WAY ROUND
Plastic surgeons think themselves Gods
As they try to turn back the clock
I think plastic surgery is nonsense
Trying to hold back the ravages of time
By nipping and tucking
And implanting and enhancing
It is an exercise in futility
People who have face lifts
Don’t look younger
Just permanently surprised
The medical profession
By trying to preserve aging flesh
Is approaching the problem
From the wrong direction
Would it not be better?
To transplant the brain
Of a mature man or woman
Into the body of a vacuous teenager
Then you could have fabulous sex
Followed by great conversation
DEFLATED
I used to rise at dawn
And marvel at my erection
Such a thing of beauty
So wonderful in its perfection
But those days are behind me
Its flaccid now upon inspection
And to raise it from its flaccidity
I must consume some blue confection
And thus perform a miracle rising
Akin to the resurrection
THE ABSENT MINDED OCTOGENARIAN
An octogenarian visited his doctor
'I think I'm getting senile” he said
The doctor replied “I don’t think you are senile
Let’s look for a different diagnosis instead”
“But I keep forgetting to do up my fly”
The old man said “After I’ve been for a pee”
The doctor smiled and then replied
“Not opening your fly before you start, that’s senility”
WRINKLE FREE
I have discovered a great way
To get wrinkle free skin
I just eat as much as I want
And the fat fills them in
I DON’T BOTHER WITH FLU JABS
Its flu jab season again
But I always give them a pass
I self medicate with alcohol
It really is first class
So just say to the doc
When he starts to tut
That a shot in your glass
Is better than one in the butt
SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS
When I was on an Alaskan island
I was sure i had seen an optician
Just as plain as the nose on my face
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
DOCTOR FEELGOOD
My doctor advised me to
Take regular exercise
Eat more fruit
And get plenty of fresh air
So I have taken his advice
I walk to the pub
I have a slice of lemon with my G&T
And I drink in the beer garden
Imprint
Publication Date: 09-15-2010
All Rights Reserved
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