HEALTH MATTERS by Paul Curtis (free ebooks for android txt) 📕

IS IT URGENT?

I awake unwell with swollen glands
With fevered brow and sweaty hands
I shake and shiver and cough and sneeze
I sweat and flush and choke and wheeze
I mutter and mumble and grunt and groan
As I struggle downstairs to find the phone
I first call work to let them know
To the office today I will not show
And then the doctor’s line I dial
A stern voice answers in a while
“What name”? Is the curt response?
An appointment please I say at once
Well is it urgent? She retorts
Well I’m not dying just out of sorts
You can see a doctor in three weeks time
I hope to be better by then I chime
Shall I book you an appointment then?
No if I’m not better I’ll call again.
But I'll say to you without offence
If I’m still ill in three weeks hence
I’ll eat my hat till I eat my fill
For I will never ever have been so ill

THE DENTISTS CHAIR

In the dentists chair I lie
I am not brave I think Ill cry
He turns to me my tooth to fill
I start to sweat I hear the drill
I reach around and grab his crutch
I begin to squeeze but not too much
I move my gaze his eyes to view
If you hurt me then I’ll hurt you

WHY WHY WHY?

A girl goes to the doctor in some distress
What’s the problem or do I have to guess?
I keep singing the green, green grass of home
That sounds to me like Tom Jones syndrome
Is it very common to sing the songs of a star?
Well it's not unusual to tell the truth Delilah


A CAUTIONARY TALE

Since the time
I had unprotected sex
With my next door neighbors daughter
I’ve had this itch
And I’ve had this rash
And I’ve had trouble passing water

BERRY, BERRY

The doctor scratches his head
And is almost struck dumb
Why does his patient have
A strawberry stuck up his bum
The only answer is
On a strawberry he must have sat
Then he says
“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”


THE FASTEST THING

There was an Englishman and a Welshman
Talking to a Scotsman and an Irishman
They were all sitting down discussing
What could possibly be the fastest thing?
The Englishmen I know what it ought
It has got to be the process of thought
The Scot nodded and said in a flicker
Good try but I think blinking is quicker
The Welshman thought and said quickly
I believe it has got to be electricity
The Irishman said they don’t come near
The fastest thing is in life is Diarrhea
I went out last night to have a curry
Drank twelve pints of beer in a hurry
I awoke in the night I felt my heart sink
Because Before I had any time to think
No time to blink or switch on the light
I had Diarrhea in my pants last night


PROBLEM DOCTOR

Doctor! Doctor! I have a terrible problem
I say things but then cant remember them
That is a problem when did it first happen?
I’m sorry doctor what problem is that then?

I GIVE UP

Yes I really gave up smoking over a year ago
To do it I borrowed a book from a man I know
It consisted of a mixture of positive thinking
Psychobabble and even confidence reinforcing

Even though I’ve managed to kick the habit
I still miss it every day if just a little bit
The only thing that has kept me off them
Has been the thought of revenge against him

Him is in fact the author of that awful book
I never even met him nor did I even get a look
But what can I do now to keep off the weed
When I’ve just heard he’s dropped down deed

FAMILY PLANNING

One day a man asked his doctor at his surgery
"I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"Have you discussed it with your family?"
"Yes and they're in favour fifteen to three."

WHATS UP DOC

A medical Journal, said apparently
That nine out of ten doctors agree
That one out of ten of them actually
Is without a doubt, an idiot you see

DIRT WONT KILL YOU

“We all eat a pinch before we die”
Or so I've heard the saying go
But the closeness of the events
Is what no one seems to know


I HAVE A PROBLEM DOCTOR

When you go to see your local practice doctor
A “jack of all trades” or general practitioner
And it’s not obvious what it is that’s ailing you
The doctor will plump for a new stain of flu

Perhaps after a cursory examination of a joint
A prescription for some preparation to anoint
Or after writing something illegible in your file
They will suggest that you join a gym for awhile

Or after an examination of your chest or throat
A prescription for some linctus will get his vote
Though more likely the solution to your choking
Will be for you to immediately give up smoking

Now no matter what ails you one thing is clear
One of the thing that you are guaranteed to hear
As they talk down to you saying “don’t make a fuss”
Its nothing to worry about at all its just a virus


THE UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL

I have always had lead in my pencil
I was always known to be quite “furtil”
With six kids already I’m at the stage
As my wife and I reach middle age
To take drastic action don’t you see?
Because its time to have a vasectomy
And now i've had my prowess stunted
You might say my pencils been blunted

BUM DOCTOR

When you visit the proctologist
Just be careful if you get my gist
When you’ve assumed the position
And you brace yourself in anticipation
As you feel the painful penetration
You must check without hesitation
Make sure he’s not being bolder
By having a hand on each shoulder


BITTER PILL

It is pride that comes before my falls
When I’m in the room with padded walls
I can concur without any hesitation
Pride stopped me taking my medication

In a canvas coat with straps of leather
And buckles of steel in which to tether
To restrain safely the nurse believes
To put arms in the wrap around sleeves

So sat in my padded room rocking gently
In a state of calm reflection incidentally
And the subject of my quiet reflection
Pride stopping me taking my medication

WHATS UP DOC?

Tell me why
Does your gynecologist
Leave the room
When you get undressed?


HE’S A NUTTER

My dad told me that I’m daft
So I just hysterically laughed
I think then I must be going mad
Not really a lot, no just a tad
I must be going a little potty
Even eccentric or maybe dotty
When doctors act all smarmy
They really think I’m barmy
Sometimes things are a bit hazy
Obviously I’m just going crazy
Now I tell you I’m not larking
Honestly I’m just plain barking
What I’m called doesn’t matter
I’m still just mad as a hatter
When I say out loud that I’m nuts
I know the trick cyclist tuts
Now according to Siggy Freud
I’m really just being paranoid
But that doesn’t mean you see
That they’re not out to get me
And you’re never alone ha ha ha
With paranoid schizophrenia

CARRY ON NURSE

I’ve been going out with this nurse
And you know what they say about them
I think it must be an old wives tale
Because I cant get my hand past her hem
I haven’t had my tongue in her throat
And I can’t even get my hand up her jumper
I’m never ever going to give her one
So I think I’m going to have to dump her
And that’s a bit of a shame really
Because her figure is really quite super
She must work in the private sector
Because she definitely wont let me BUPA


HOW MUCH?

For thirty-five years I have paid
Via PAYE income taxation
For thirty-five years I have paid
My National Insurance contribution
For twenty-five years I have paid
For my private medical protection
But what I’m not prepared to pay
Is for my GP to sign my application

IT CAN’T BE

No matter how bad it is when they tell you
You never quite believe its true
No matter the stories that are told to you
You never quite believe they’re true
No matter what anecdotes they quote to you
You never quite believe they’re true
Its only when you have endured the stress
You have truly experienced the NHS


DO NOT FEAR

I’m not afraid of guns
Guns don’t bother me
It’s the bullets though
That scare me really

I’m not afraid of heights
Heights don’t bother me
If you fall, it’s the ground
That kills you, you see

I’m not afraid of water
Rivers lakes or the sea
It only takes a puddle
To drown a man in, see

I’m not afraid of flying
Flying doesn’t bother me
Crashing on the other hand
Scares me constantly


I’m not afraid of heights
Heights don’t bother me
The most dangerous is
A thing called gravity

THANK YOU DOCTOR

The simple art of medicine
Consists simply of this to begin
Just keep the patients amused
Blinded with science and confused
This will keep them at their ease
While Nature cures the disease

ON THE COUCH

Why is it that psychoanalysis for men
Is so much quicker than it is for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, then
He’s already there way back when


NIP IT IN THE BUD

I saved up for ages and I was going to have a face-lift
I was going to treat myself it was to be a sort of gift
It was when the day drew close doubts grew to suffice
I was in the doctors office and was put off to be precise
The thing I was most concerned about was his decor
He had art work on every wall and even on the door
They were all out of perspective and looked askew
And I had a question about them if not one or two
Until I knew the answer the treatment I would forgo
Were they sample of his work or portraits by Picaso?

STD

Std meant standard telephone dialing
And was progress and intended to ease
Initials STD are also used to abbreviate
The term “sexually transmitted disease”
Now you cannot get an STD on your own
I hope you understand and get the gist
Nor can you catch it from the telephone
But you can catch it from a telephonist

HOSPITAL CANTEEN

I’m sat in the hospital canteen
Where all of life can be seen
I look at people around me
With coffee’s or cups of tea
A couple are sharing a laugh
Are they visitors or staff?
A man sits staring into space
Red eyes in a tired