Expiration Date by Jeff Thomason (best short novels of all time .txt) 📕

“You calculate expiration dates?” Cindy let the few strands of spaghetti slip from her fork. “For a living?”

“Yep,” replied Bob proudly. He stabbed a meatball and spun his fork around slowly wrapping it in a cocoon of sauce and pasta. He lifted his creation and gulped it down in one bite flicking specks of sauce on the white tablecloth and his date’s white blouse.

“That’s your entire job? You spend 40 hours a week doing just that? And someone pays you for it?” She played with her entree.

“They pay me very well. Plus full benefits AND quarterly bonuses,” he said thru a mouthful of spaghetti.

Cindy turned away. Her appetite was gone. She turned to the violinist serenading a well-dressed older couple. As they clinked crystal goblets together, she felt envy slither under her skin. She was sure all eyes focused on her and her freak show date. How did that old Sesame Street song go? One of these things is not like the others? She wondered if she would ever be able to show her face here again.

Bob stuffed another half plate of spaghetti in his mouth and let it slide down. Cindy dropped her fork and covered her mouth with her napkin. Her roommate would pay for setting her up with this, this—

“Are you all right?” Food spilled out of his mouth.

“Fine.” She set her napkin down. There was no way her roommate could possible have thought the two of them would hit it off -- not in the farthest stretches of imagination. This was definitely a cruel joke. Or revenge. Was she was still mad about the dress?
“So,” she tried to ignore his chomping, “have you always wanted to be an expiration date specialist? Is that what you dreamed of when you were a little boy?” She took a sip of her bubbly beverage.

“No, I always thought I’d be a doctor or an engineer.” He stabbed another meatball.

She nearly sprayed the table but kept her mouth closed. Bob was too focused on a new cocoon to notice.

“Really? A doctor or an engineer? Hmmm. And what made you change your mind?” She dabbed her mouth to hide a smile.

“A friend of mine was working at the Finer Foods Corporation and recommended I apply. I only planned to work there for a couple of years to help with college, but it paid so well that I decided just to make it a career.”

He took another bite. She took another drink.

“Of course, I’m still really interested in engineering and technology. Like that new E6 chip M-ROM just announced. If it really lives up to all the hype, it will change the face of computing.” He slurped down his last strand of spaghetti. “Of course, after they announce their bankruptcy in a couple of days the chip will be in limbo.”

Cindy raised her left eyebrow. “Their stock just went up ten points today. I seriously doubt they’ll declare bankruptcy.”
“They’ll have to after the charges of fraud come out—” He suddenly froze, his eyes wide open. Cindy looked puzzled. “Um,” he stumbled, “what about those Dodgers? Can you believe the season they’re having?”

The waiter appeared. “Is everything to your liking?”

“Wonderful!” Bob wiped his brow. “Everything is perfect. Couldn’t be better. Thanks for asking. What’s for dessert?”

“The food was excellent.” In her mind, Cindy added too bad I can’t say the same for the company.

“If you are both finished with your entrees, I will show you the dessert cart.”

“Yes/No!” they said in unison. The waiter paused.

“I mean I’m so full I couldn’t eat another bite.”

The waiter glanced down at her untouched plate.

“I think we’re ready for the check,” she said before Bob could order a slice of pie.

* * * * *

Half an hour later they stood at her doorstep.

“I had a great time tonight.” Bob leaned in close. “I’m so glad our roommates set us up. This has been one of the best dates I’ve ever been on.” He started to tilt his head and close his eyes.

She took a step to the side. “It was … a date I’ll never forget.” She offered her hand.

He looked down at it, thought for a moment, tried to kiss is, but she took his hand and shook it. After ten seconds, she pried it away.

“Well, good night,” she opened the door and stepped thru it.

“Good night. I’ll call—” The door slammed.

Cindy sighed.

“How did your date go?” Her roommate smirked from the couch.
“I think you know how it went.” She dropped her purse on the kitchen table. “Was this revenge for the dress?”

“I don’t know,” her roommate answered innocently. “Maybe.”

“Well, don’t worry. I’ve learned my lesson. I will never borrow anything again without asking. Not even a cup of sugar.”

“Apology accepted. And I’ll be more discriminating about who I set you up with in the future.”

“You’d better, or you’ll be taking up residence six feet under.”

* * * * *

Bob walked into his apartment on the other side of town. He saw his roommate also sprawled on the coach—remote in one hand, microwave popcorn in the other—watching football.

“You’re back early. Must not have gone well.”

“No, it went well. But when I dropped her off at her apartment and leaned in for a kiss, something strange happened -- she stuck her hand out and shook mine.”

His roommate exploded in a fit of laughter and scattered popcorn all over the room. “A handshake? You got a handshake?! Dude, that date did NOT go well.”

“Are you sure? Maybe she was sick and didn’t want to infect me. Yes, I’m sure that was it. I’m going to ask her out again for tomorrow night.”

His roommate erupted into another fit of hysteria. He held his belly so it wouldn’t burst.

“So … you don’t think I should?”

“Oh, no, ask her out. Definitely. Call her up right now, in fact.” Tears were streaming down his cheeks. “But put it on speaker phone so I can listen too.”

“That’s cold, man. That’s really cold.” Bob walked into his room and shut the door.

* * * * *

Two days later, Cindy sat in her bathrobe sipping a warm, caffeinated beverage in the kitchen while reading the morning paper. Her roommate stumbled in, eyes half opened. She fiddled in the cupboard, banging glasses and plates against each other, before finding her mug.

“I still can’t believe you set me up with that … guy.”

“Cindy, will you give it a rest already. That was two days ago.”

“I can’t. I still have nightmares about that date, if you can call it a date. You must really think little of me to set me up with someone like that.” She took another sip of her beverage.

“Oh, just let it go. You’re making it out to be worse than it actually was. Besides, people your age aren’t in any position to be so picky.”

“My age? I’m only six months older than you.”

“Six months is an eternity when you’re as young as I am.”
Cindy looked down at the paper. Her eyes bulged and she dropped her mug. It shattered causing her roommate to jump.

“Are you trying to give me a heart attack?! Even people as young as I am don’t do well with sudden shocks. I won’t be able to pay my half of the rent and utilities if I’m dead.”

“I don’t believe it,” Cindy muttered. “I just don’t believe it.”

“Well, it’s true. Dead people don’t have money.”

“How did he know?”

“How did who know? Aren’t we still talking about me?”

“I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it.”

“Believe what? Are you trying to confuse me to death now? What’s gotten into you, Cindy?”

“Look!” She thrust the paper in her roommate’s face.

“M-ROM Declares Bankruptcy Amid Charges of Fraud. So?”

“So, a few days ago they announced a revolutionary new chip that would redefine the nanoprocessing world. Their stock skyrocketed. No one could have predicted this headline. Unless, of course, they were privy to some pretty confidential insider information.”

“So?”

“So, Bob predicted it. He quoted the headline almost word for word.”

“So he had inside information. That happens a lot in business.”

“Sure, with millionaires and CEOs, not lowly bean counters. So where did that lowly bean counter get this information? And what else does he know? And how can I use it to my advantage?”

* * * * *

Bob sat at his desk reading the latest company newsletter when the phone rang. “Hello, Finer Foods Corporation. Bob speaking.”

“Hi, Bob. This is Cindy.”

His sat up.

“C-cindy? What a s-surprise. I d-didn’t think I’d hear from you again.”

“Why not? I had such a good time the other night that I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I’ve been sitting here next to the phone waiting for you to call, but you never did. So I decided to call you.”

“I’m so glad you did. I wanted to call—I was going to—but I didn’t. I wasn’t sure you wanted me to.”

“Well, of course I did, silly!”

“Well, after that handshake…”

“Oh, that. I was coming down with something, and I didn’t want to give it to you.”

“I knew it! My roommate laughed at me when I told him, but now I’ll be the one laughing.”

“I was wondering, if you weren’t busy tonight, maybe we could get together.”

He knocked over a pencil holder. “No. I mean, yes. I mean no, I’m not busy, and yes, I’d love to get together with you tonight.”

“Ok, great. It’s a date. Seven o’clock on the boardwalk.”

“Seven o’clock. I’ll see you then.” He hung up the phone and sat for a moment. Then he leapt onto his chair and screamed, “Yeeeeeessss!”

The whole room turned and stared.

“Good news, Bob?” His friend Jim asked.

“Great news! Remember that girl I went out with the other night? Well, she just called.”

“The really hot one who shook your hand?”

“That’s the one. She just asked me out for tonight.”

“SHE asked YOU out?” His friend rubbed his chin. “Are you sure you weren’t hallucinating?”

“Of course I’m sure. She wants me. And who could blame her.”
Jim lifted a folder over his mouth.


* * * * *

That night Bob sat at a candlelit table. He checked his watch for the 17th time. 6:59. She still had a minute. She was still coming.
He looked at the other diners -- all couples. Usually that made him sad because he always ate alone and he tried to avoid eye contact with any of them, but tonight he held his head up and smiled. Just one more minute, and she would be here. Less than a minute now.

“You picked the perfect table.” Cindy slid into her seat. He bolted straight up and smiled.

“Oh, thanks. The waiter picked it out. Assigned it, actually.”

“Well, I’m sure you inspired him. I know you inspire me.” She picked up the menu and